The end of my marriage caused me to level up and grow in ways that I didn’t think was possible. It forced me and gave me the opportunity to be real with myself and hold myself accountable. The saying, “it takes two” is real and I understood it more than ever when I was alone and able to sit in my truth. I had to accept the role I played in the way in which my marriage turned out and even ended. For quite some time I was stuck on the part my ex played and “all the things” he did or didn’t do. What that did was keep me stuck, stuck in a one-sided story!
As I did the work and invested in my own healing my vision became clear. It allowed me to understand that my ex’s issues were no longer my burden to bear and if I was ever going to be in a healthy relationship in the future I had to first be healthy alone. For me this meant taking ownership and responsibility for my own actions. This process of taking ownership can be messy but in the end it’s so worthwhile. It not only allowed me to understand my faults but also forgive myself for them. When you know better, you do better. I now know my role in specific moments that played out in my marriage; my inability to communicate effectively ( whether it was being argumentative or shutting down all together), not expressing my needs (settling), my inability to forgive my ex for past issues (which somehow I often found a way to throw in his face) and criticizing my ex because of this false perception of a man that I wanted him to be (which deep down I knew he couldn’t give me).
By taking ownership of my role in issues that occurred in my marriage, I had to accept that everyone makes mistakes, including myself. Although the end of my marriage left me heartbroken, and it took me doing some real work to heal, I’ve always been and I’m still a lover of love. The only difference is that now I’m very clear on the mistakes I don’t ever plan on repeating in the future, such as deflecting rather than accepting responsibility for my own faults, knowing that all disagreements don’t need to result in arguments (effective communication is key) and my unwillingness to accept misplaced blame ( making excuses for things that were no fault of my own).
If right now you’re finding yourself in this situation, there’s four key practices that can help improve your relationship but you’ll need to make each apart of daily your routine:
- Honesty and self-awareness; understand that it’s not just actions that hurt people, words do as well. Be careful with what you do and say.
- Being proactive rather than reactive; practice acting on the situation in a respectful manner rather than being reactive and negative.
- Openly and honestly communicate; doing so builds and maintains trust
- Don’t be a grudge holder; know when to forgive yourself and your partner
Renee_theblogger_: Healing starts with taking responsibility, responsibility for yourself and no longer blaming others. In doing so, you’re snatching your power back to change your life and setting the tone for who you will be as a partner in a healthy relationship.